Sorry World, Soccer Still Tough to Watch

Can every living creature on Earth except Americans be wrong about something? Wednesday seemed like a great opportunity to find out.

It was the UEFA Champions League final. That's a soccer match, which means this is a soccer column.

HOLD ON!

The only thing Americans hate more than watching a soccer match is having to read about it afterward. So now I know how soccer fans feel.

They just want you to give their sport a fair hearing. What better time than when the greatest, most-anticipated match in soccer history is on?

If ugly Americans can't get into Manchester United vs. FC Barcelona, soccer might as well give up all hope of becoming the 18th most popular sport in the United States, right behind Midget Mixed Martial Arts.

And I swear that will be the last sarcastic comment I'll make about soccer.

Seriously, I want to like the sport. I'm tired of looking at the "beautiful game" and seeing Howard Stern. I'm even more tired of soccer fans getting all defensive when anybody says the game is boring.

You know the drill. They point out that 7 billion people worldwide would rather watch a soccer game than marry Giselle Bundchen. They question the intellect of anyone who doesn't see the beauty.

Frankly, I don't like it when Paraguayans look down at me. So I got excited Wednesday when I got up and heard the guy on ESPN say "just watch it for 10 minutes and you'll see."

Actually, I went back to bed because I didn't want to be drowsy going into kickoff, or whatever they call the opening play.

One thing I know is that the ESPN announcers didn't need naps before the game. They needed tranquilizer darts.

"Barcelona and Manchester come to Rome joyous, fearless but not yet fulfilled," the guy said.

I was too lazy to write down the announcers' names, so based on their accents I'll just call them Winston and Clive. You certainly didn't have to be a hooligan to feel their excitement.

This wasn't just a championship showdown between two of the most storied franchises in soccer history. It also matched Lionel Messi against Cristiano Ronaldo, a.k.a. Kobe and LeBron.

I'm not sure which one would be Kobe and which is LeBron, but I'm sure 7 billion people could breathlessly tell you.

"The dream final. The perfect final," Clive said. "Two teams crammed with football icons."

There's that word. Football. It's always rankled me how the rest of the world stole the name of our real national pastime. So what if people were calling it that before George Halas was born. You don't hear us calling our football "soccer" do you?

You also don't hear us calling the Super Bowl the UEFA Champions League final of football. Most stories I read had the requisite Super Bowl reference, but it didn't really fit.

For one thing, the pregame show didn't begin last Friday. Advantage: soccer.

There wasn't even a circus tent, a lip-synched national anthem or 294 honorary captains at midfield for the coin toss. It's obvious we should put the UEFA people in charge of Super Bowl activities. At least every activity except the actual game.

Everything was electric until the ball was put in play, then the UEFA Champions League final suddenly looked like every other soccer game I've ever seen. A lot of guys running around, a lot of ball kicking, not much to show for it.

"Open mind! Open mind!" I told myself. "Don't let those Paraguayans think you're a rube."

There were some interesting moments, or seconds. Ronaldo peppered a few shots toward the goal. From what I could tell, Manchester United was the Pittsburgh Steelers early on. Then it turned into the Pittsburgh Pirates after the one and only Samuel Eto'o scored for Barcelona.

"The best pure finisher in the world!" Winston said. "One -- nil!"

Latest Soccer Images

Barcelona's supporters celebrate after their team defeated Manchester United in the Champions League final soccer match in Barcelona late May 27, 2009. REUTERS/Gustau Nacarino (SPAIN SPORT SOCCER)

Reuters

Swiss referee Mario Busacca gestures to a Barcelona team member during the UEFA Champions League final soccer match between Manchester United and Barcelona in Rome, Wednesday May 27, 2009. (AP Photo/Jon Super)

Manchester United's Cristiano Ronaldo walks past the trophy as dignitaries sit in the stands at the end of the UEFA Champions League final soccer match between Manchester United and Barcelona in Rome, Wednesday May 27, 2009. Barcelona won 2-0. (AP Photo/Gregorio Borgia)

Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola gestures as Manchester United's Patrice Evra grabs the ball during the UEFA Champions League final soccer match between Manchester United and Barcelona in Rome, Wednesday May 27, 2009. (AP Photo/Manu Fernandez)

Manchester United's Carlos Tevez gets ready to restart the game afterBarcelona's Lionel Messi scored during the UEFA Champions League final soccer match between Manchester United and Barcelona in Rome, Wednesday May 27, 2009. (AP Photo/Jon Super)

Barcelona fans cheer during the UEFA Champions League final soccer match between Manchester United and Barcelona in Rome, Wednesday May 27, 2009. (AP Photo/Jon Super)

Barcelona's supporters celebrate in Barcelona late May 27, 2009 after their team defeated Manchester United in the Champions League final soccer match. REUTERS/Paul Hanna (SPAIN SPORT SOCCER)

Reuters

A FC Barcelona supporter celebrates at the end of the Champions League final in Roma between FC Barcelona and Manchester United on the top a monument in Catalunya Square in Barcelona, Spain, on Wednesday, May 27. Barcelona won 2-0 to Manchester United.(AP Photo/ David Ramos)

Manchester United's Carlos Tevez in action during the UEFA Champions League final soccer match between Manchester United and Barcelona in Rome, Wednesday May 27, 2009. (AP Photo/Gregorio Borgia)

Nil?

It was Eto'o's 129th career goal, meaning he's probably been playing 127 years.

I know I promised no more soccer cheap shots, but we'd reached the 10-minute mark and soccer's magic hadn't quite engulfed my senses.

I started jotting down what I liked and didn't like about the game, and the list was surprisingly one-sided. Like:

The clock that doesn't stop for timeouts, Craig Sager interviews or A-Rod to readjust his batting gloves 13 times.

The managers. How can you not be impressed by Manchester United's Sir Alex Ferguson? Is any NFL coach called "Sir," even by his players? Sir Wade Phillips just doesn't sound right.

The players. They look like regular guys. Actually, Messi looks like the kid who bags my groceries, only dorkier.

The fans. Soccer crowds have a bad reputation, probably because the Hell's Angels are scared to buy tickets to the average European tilt. All I heard Wednesday was a lot of singing, chanting, passion and not a single gunshot.

The announcers. It's not just what they say but how they say it. ESPN ought to let them do NASCAR just to see the look on Elliott Sadler's face when Clive asks him about his chassis.

I could go on, but I hope by now you realize I really, really tried to keep an open mind. Which brings me to the Don't Like list:

Scoring, or the lack of it.

I know I sound like every other ignoramus American, but sheesh. A one-goal lead shouldn't qualify as a blowout.

"Almost 70 minutes into the game and a very unlikely score," Winston said.

What sport has he been watching. Every soccer game is likely to be 1-nil, or nil-nil. This one became 2-0 about 15 seconds later when Messi/Kobe headed one in. Ronaldo/LeBron took it hard.

"You can tell by his body language he's getting frustrated," Clive said.

You could tell by my body language I was getting bored or really needed to use the bathroom. Part of it was just frustration.

I couldn't see the beauty in the game. That would probably take study and learning my midfielder from my right-winger. But shouldn't a beauty this mesmerizing be irresistible? Do you have to force yourself into thinking your wife is smokin'?

OK, don't answer that.

The only conclusion I can make is that 7 billion people aren't wrong, but neither are the rest of us. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

If you think soccer is hot, I'm not going to say you're blind. Just don't look down on me for not seeing things your way.

Try as I might, the chances of that are pretty much nil.

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)

5-27-2009 @ 10:01PM

mitchdavinciwall said...

U R So DUMB. U should keep your retarded comment 2 U self.
That's all I had to say!

5-27-2009 @ 10:02PM

tom said...

The author of this story shold not have quit his day job. Soccer is a high order thinking game. It deals with compex issues of geometry, complex thinking and problems solving skill, space, time, anticipation, opportunity and creativity. Not to mention that athletes at this level are the most fit in the world.

Go write about something you know about.. liek the breading habbits of minature donkeys.

5-27-2009 @ 10:05PM

turkish135 said...

and I guess thank you for deleting the advertising idiot. They are the real drivel of society. I see your other articles sweatin' Lebron's nasty style, and NBA is kickass..NFL is kickass, even NHL (with HDefiniton). All good American sports minus the horrid media & allegations..but just try and a sport such as soccer and you will learn that people live outside the U.S.! and they LOVE THE SPORT. These people are more devoted to their club in the sport than sadly, any of us American blokes. So maybe just try it..like I said FSC English Premiere games, and maybe you think you could have written this article differently.

5-27-2009 @ 10:12PM

Jared said...

I think this article was secretly written by Jim Rome. Write about something you care about or keep it to yourself. You'll never understand soccer or why it's called the beautiful game by just watching one game. It's something you have to play or have watched for a long time and then you'll appreciate it. It's narrow minded people like yourself that inspire me to make soccer even more popular. When your generation is long gone and I'm your age soccer will be bigger here than anyone has ever imagined. You can't stop the inevitable. And 265+ million registered male and female players and growing are a good reason for that change.

5-27-2009 @ 10:13PM

Ho!! I forgot!
What sport do you like?
Baseball (4 hours game)? the Superbowl (500 commercials in between and so exiting which one pays more for the 30 second)? Basketball (running 50 feet back and forth) Golf (sleeping all the way) tennis? (when the game is over you need a chiropractic for your neck)?
All the sport sometime are not pleasant to watch but that doesn't mean that they are boring)!
I think you should keep your dumb comment 2 U Self.

5-27-2009 @ 10:14PM

nikin78 said...

I am American and I don't think this guy has a clue on what "centering, crossing or through balls" are. I used to think soccer was just a bunch of guys kicking the ball around. I took a few classes in college and now I understand the game and how and why these guys kick the ball where they do. I also have a team, Arsenal. This also makes me wonder why American football is called football. Don't mean to blabber on, but the guy who wrote this story "I don't know his name we will call him "John the fat idiot", has no idea what he is talking about and should stick to other sports.

5-27-2009 @ 10:15PM

ixtitansxi said...

i should write same story about ur frikin baseball, u idiot writer

5-27-2009 @ 10:16PM

OKDOKE said...

He is totally Right. Boring !!!!! You have to wait 90 mins to see 3 mins of superb play. Is it worth it???? You be the judge.

5-27-2009 @ 10:18PM

Go to clean bathroom!!! You don't deserve this job.
Cretino!!!

5-27-2009 @ 10:21PM

Soccer is a smart Sport and only selected people can understand! Sorry Mr. Writer! Your intelligences can only reach 1/2 way!!

5-27-2009 @ 10:32PM

Mario said...

Go ahead and call American football "soccer".. Nobody would care at all.. And of course it's not going to feel like the Super Bowl over here.. There was basically no pre-game coverage, and the post game coverage extended for less than 30 minutes.. But it is like Super Bowl in Europe.. And finally every soccer game is not 1-0, 0-0, etc.. What most anti-soccer people don't understand is that a low scoring soccer game can be employable (not at all are), but real soccer fans know when to appreciate a low scoring game.. How come when a baseball game is tied 0-0 going into the ninth, and both pitchers have allowed only a few hits, nobody is complaining?

5-28-2009 @ 1:45AM

Bobby said...

Dude, I cover baseball. I promise you everyone in the press box is bitching if the game goes beyond 3 hours, especially if it's a night game.

5-27-2009 @ 10:58PM

valsrumson said...

The only thing more boring then watching
soccer is...........NOTHING!! I have tried
to give it a chance,but it really is the
cure for insomnia...It appears to be just
an opportunity for people with nothing else
to do to get out of the house,drink to excess,
and wave their flags..Nothing much happens
in what seems like forever... 1-0 has no
excitement...

5-27-2009 @ 11:02PM

Jay said...

"It was Eto'o's 129th career goal, meaning he's probably been playing 127 years"

"The players. They look like regular guys. Actually, Messi looks like the kid who bags my groceries, only dorkier?

"There's that word. Football. It's always rankled me how the rest of the world stole the name of our real national pastime."

the rest of the world stole that name???
boy, u must be outta your mind. u stole from the rest of the world

5-27-2009 @ 11:01PM

AOL SUCK AS SHIT said...

I used to play soccer during High School years, and I UNDERSTOOD the game BUT STILL BORING AS HELL! Thank god for Beckham to go away back to England.

Soccer is BORING, BORING, BORING!!!!

5-27-2009 @ 11:05PM

"It appears to be just
an opportunity for people with nothing else
to do to get out of the house,drink to excess,
and wave their flags..Nothing much happens
in what seems like forever"

u must be thinking of AMERICAN football.

5-27-2009 @ 11:10PM

I say we start a soccer uprising. I'll go it alone if I have to. I'm sick of ignorant sportscasters and journalists in America. I love all sports and in any sport a game can be boring. I've seen plenty of boring basketball, football, and baseball games. Mr. Whitley have you even watched enough games to qualify yourself as a relevant person to be opining about soccer? I'm not a huge golf or baseball fan but I'm not going to write an article about how monotonous and boring they can be to watch until a key moment when someone sinks a birdie to win it or hits a game winning homer. I don't write about it because I understand and know the way the games are played. There have been plenty of boring Super Bowls. If anyone like myself had to suffer through the Buffalo Bills constant failure then you know what I'm talking about. I just hate it when people who don't know anything about soccer try to criticize it. The great thing about America is the diversity we have in playing a sport. The unfortunate thing about America is that there is no law against being ignorant. Which you sir have shown just how ignorant you are and I'll be sure to never read any of your articles in the near future. Thank you for saving me the time. Viva la Revolucion del Futbolistas!

Yes Amrican football...you obviously missed
watching all the scoring..spectacular runs...
great pass plays...None of which happens in
soccer...Soccer is the sport for the less
athletically talented...And oh yeah..The little
guys...After all they need SOMETHING to do...

5-28-2009 @ 2:24AM

minesweeperoverture said...

surely you jest my good valsrumson, great passes and runs are at the heart of every good soccer game. the difference being that soccer players do not pass with their hands or make runs with the ball clutched to their chests; rather they pass with their feet, the best with astounding accuracy and with split-second timing, and the runs great players make on and off the ball are indeed spectacular.

5-27-2009 @ 11:14PM

Soccer and the word exctitement should not
be used in the same sentence...The long-winded
jared above just proves the point. I couldn't finish his endless defense of soccer without
dozing off...