Diego Maradona Hospitalized for What You're Probably Doing Right Now

Diego Maradona is in the hospital as we speak, against his will. His hospitalization was, according to his doctor, "a product of an incoherent regimen of excessive eating, drinking and smoking."

News reports about it are dominating Argentine television, and fans are camped outside of the hospital, holding a vigil. I didn't know people would hold a vigil for you if you just eat, drink, and smoke like a champion. I'm gonna go order a couple of pizzas, burn a stogies, and funnel some gin, and let's see who shows up. Pick me up a pack of filterless Camels and a box of Twinkies on the way, will you?

From the AP article, it's hard to tell exactly what's wrong with him. He's got a history of drug use and recently had gastric bypass surgery. The surgery did trim him down, but now he's 8.8 pounds over his normal weight, whatever that is. But the doc says there's nothing wrong with his blood circulation or heart, and since he's there against his will, I'm assuming he wasn't feeling ill.

You can never be too careful when dealing with a national hero, though. We wish Maradona and his fans all the best. No drinking at the vigil, guys.